I think we’ve all had an experience like this:

You make some lofty New Year’s Resolution—perhaps to lose those pesky extra 15 lbs—and go full throttle on it for 2 months. Then, you realize behavior change is hard, give up, and feel sorry for yourself. 

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The next New Year’s Eve rolls around and you go, “Ok, because I’ve been reading Mike Restiano’s articles, I KNOW my brain is going to be an asshole to me and make changing my behavior super hard. But now that I have that knowledge, I’m prepared and I’m going to nail my goal this time!” 

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You manage to stick with it for 5 months, losing 5 pounds before giving up. Then, you mistakenly label yourself as someone who can't lose weight at your age, and that belief becomes your reality.

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So yes—we know behavior change is hard because the brain likes to keep things in homeostasis. That applies even if said homeostasis is incredibly painful and limiting because it is familiar, and familiar means safe. And if there’s one goal your brain has for you in this lifetime, it is to keep you safe and alive—not happy and fulfilled. 

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And unfortunately, knowing this isn’t enough to rewire your brain and get the growth you’re craving. Meaningful change always, always happens from behaviors, not knowledge. It’s not enough just to know—you have to repeatedly do the uncomfortable thing in order for your brain to one day go, “oh, I guess this is safe and can be part of our new reality.” 

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I get a lot of coaching clients who understand neuroplasticity and behavior change intellectually, but have a hard time putting it into action and making it real. And when clients get stuck like that, the very first thing I do with them is take an inventory of their compulsions. 

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What’s a compulsion?

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If you Google this question, you will get a lot of information about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I want to start off by saying that I do not work in the medical model of mental illness (not my scope) so please do not walk away from this article thinking you have OCD or some other psychological disorder. 

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Patterns of obsession and compulsion are universal human experiences. Aka, we all have them and they’re nothing to be ashamed of. 

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In my opinion, a compulsion is any action you take (either in reality or in your head) to urgently make emotional discomfort go away. Some common things that can be compulsions:

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• Walking into a bar and immediately ordering a drink because you feel anxious
• Reaching for your vape anytime you feel uncomfortable or stressed
• Trying to “solve” your feelings in your head through overthinking and analysis
• Feeling bored and immediately going on TikTok or Instagram 
• Having a “bad” thought and immediately thinking a “good” thought to neutralize it
• Feeling panicky and urgently doing a workout to make the anxiety go away 

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The list goes on—quite literally any behavior has the potential to become compulsive. If you looked at this list and gasped, or if you want to throw a tomato at me, (how dare he say I can’t go on TikTok?!?) I ask that you please hold your vegetables for a moment. 

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This stuff is nuanced. I am not saying that every usage of TikTok is compulsive, or that having a drink in a bar is always bad. There are two ways we distinguish regular behavior from compulsion:

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1. Do you do it urgently? Does it feel like a thing you need to do right now or else? 
2. Are you doing it with the intent to soothe some kind of emotional distress? 

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Both things must be true for a behavior to be a compulsion. 

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Walking into a bar, talking to a few people, and deciding to consciously order a margarita? Not a compulsion. 

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Walking into a bar, being flooded with social anxiety, and running to get a drink asap so that you don’t have to feel that anxiety? Compulsion. 

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Compulsions are ultimately false safety behaviors. Our brain “learned” one day that if we do this compulsive thing—drink the booze, watch the show, open the phone—the bad feeling goes away. 

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But that’s not really true, because no feeling, no matter how intense or uncomfortable, lasts forever. Compulsions prevent you from learning that you don’t need to ‘do’ anything about emotional discomfort other than experience it and move forward. Discomfort is not an actual threat to your safety—it just feels like that way due to some outdated, yet very effective, brain hardware. 

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There is no true growth without emotional discomfort

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Truly, none. If you do not feel emotionally uncomfortable while you are doing a growth behavior—going to the gym, talking to a stranger, auditioning for a play, interviewing for a new job—then it’s not growth. 

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Growth and comfort are antonyms —it is never going to feel easy to change yourself and push your brain out of its normal comfort zone. I think by now you can see where this is going.   

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Our brains use uncomfortable emotions to alert us when they feel pushed beyond their homeostatic limit. We do compulsions in order to soothe that discomfort or make it go away because we think it is intolerable, or means we’re doing something wrong. This subtle, tricky pattern ends up being a major impediment to our own personal growth. 

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Metaphorically, you might imagine this as the equivalent of caving into a child’s temper tantrums. The child (your brain) learns that it can keep getting what it wants (homeostasis) so long as it throws a tantrum (discomfort) at us. Each time we cave (do a compulsion), we give validity to the tantrum—the child starts to see tantrum throwing as a useful strategy.  

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Here’s how it tends to go for our eager weightloss affecionado above. 

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1. They do the right stuff on paper. They know they need to go to the gym and eat in a calorie deficit in order to lose weight. 
2. The gym felt terribly uncomfortable at first, but they pushed past that and it now feels like a regular part of their routine. This is amazing and a great sign of growth! 
3. BUT, eating in a calorie deficit makes them damn hungry. And another way to view hunger is a form of emotional discomfort. 
4. Everytime this person feels hungry, they reach for the cheap snacks laying around their house—chips, cookies, etc—in order to soothe the hunger. This is the compulsion! 
5. They don’t even consciously realize they’re ruining their calorie deficit until they’re halfway through the bag! 
6. They feel a lot of shame about this experience. It feels like “something is wrong with them.” It is actually just a (well-meaning) but asshole brain using a compulsive behavior to keep them stuck. 

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If this person wants to achieve their goal of keeping the weight off, the “price” they must pay for change is being willing to sit in the emotional discomfort their brain throws at them and resist the urge to compulsively eat. 

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When that’s repeated enough times, the tantrum throwing brain realizes that its tantrums are unnecessary because the person is still alive and ok despite being really hungry. The discomfort stops, and they’re able to achieve their goal. 

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If you’re feeling stuck, find the compulsions first

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What do you do in order to alleviate your emotional discomfort? Do you do it unconsciously and urgently, or is it intentional and moderated? 

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I guarantee answering those questions will reveal a lot about what’s keeping you stuck. And once you have that awareness, you can begin to interrupt the “pull” towards the compulsion that keeps you stuck in a loop. 

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“Oh, I’m hungry and it feels like I need to eat something right now! But I know this is just my brain trying to keep me at the same weight; I can be a little hungry and focus on whatever else I’m doing now instead.” 

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It requires both mindfulness and practice to get this right. But with continued, dedicated focus, compulsions fall away over time and we get to where we’re trying to grow. It’s also essential to not view discomfort, anxiety, lethargy, etc as “something’s wrong” but rather “I’m pushing my brain into an uncomfortable place, and that might be a good or a bad thing depending on my goals for myself.” 

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I’m sure you may be reading this and thinking something like, “easier said than done!” And if so, you’re absolutely correct. I can make this seem simple on paper, but it is really, really hard to put into practice. 

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Gametime for your own growth isn’t when you’re calm, comfy, and able to read my words. It’s when you’re in the grip of a brain blast of emotional discomfort and choose to not do the compulsive thing even though it feels like you absolutely need to. 

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And you do that again and again until one day, the compulsion isn’t there anymore and you’ve achieved what you want!  

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Coaches like me exist to help people with behavior change like this. If you need somebody to help you inventory your compulsions or keep you honest about your own behavior change, please reach out! 

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